Football

When I see squirrels in the road, I don't try to dodge them. I just plow right on through. If I miss, great. If I don't, fine. Natural selection will weed out all the dumbass ones that like to roam around the streets and we'll be left with smart ones that stay off the streets unless they WANT to die. And then I would be obliging them!

I wonder if Shaq can "palm" a basketball with just one finger (would that be called "fingering" the basketball...?) That man is an ogre...

Football is so much more intense and entertaining when you're an underdog. Too bad USC will never know the thrill of that. Where's the fun in cheering on a team that you already know is gonna win? When you're cheering USC and you win, it's like, "OK, great. That's expected." But if you lose, it's f*cking pathetic. Whereas when UCLA loses, we're like, "Oh well, it happens." And if we win we're like OMFG YESSS!!
I definitely prefer having a mediocre football team right now.

Check out George Carlin's hilarious comparison of football and baseball:

Trains, hermaphrodites, etc.

It freaks me out when the railroad crossing alert goes off, the barriers come down, but no train goes by! It makes me wonder... was the train invisible? Did the Hogwart's Express just go by? Or did they miscalculate when the train would pass through, and I'm gonna be obliterated as soon as I drive across the tracks?

I don't get why people jump in front of trains to kill themselves. This seems to be the popular method in Palo Alto. (and Tokyo?) I wonder if the people who are actually in the train feel any guilt when they find out they played a small part in indirectly assisting some kid's suicide?

I wonder what the Bible would read like if it was written in the same style that our generation speaks. For some reason "Dude, don't fantasize about your homie's girl" doesn't exactly have the same effect as "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife." Or "God like totally made this day, man. Let's party!" doesn't inspire quite as much veneration as "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad."

That sucks for that girl who broke some track record, and then the officials were like, "Wait a sec, are you a dude or a girl," and then they had to do "tests" (I can think of a really simple one) and determined (s)he's a hermaphrodite (OK maybe not for that) and now the whole WORLD knows about her little secret (a penis?)
(It's probably more complicated than that.)
Anyway that totally sucks. She's probably gonna lose her medal too.

I noticed Korean is in the lead over there. If you're just voting Korean because you worship some Korean drama/pop star/band, you are lame. Be objective.


DON'T HAVE A PROSAIC MIND!

Yay, Drugs!

First of all, I'd like to say that conspiracy theorist nuts piss me off. This includes the people that thought 9/11 was directly caused by the US government and that the plane that hit the pentagon was actually a "missile," those who think the moon landing was staged, and my favorite (and by "favorite" I mean the people I hate most), the Holocaust deniers. I didn't even know they still existed until I took Sociology 1 and noticed the occasional retard's comment on YouTube offering "irrefutable" "evidence" that the Holocaust never happened.

Here's my other favorite (and this time by "favorite" I mean the people I pity most):
"[The Evil Aliens] theory maintains that humanity is actually under the control of shape-shifting alien reptiles, who require periodic ingestion of human blood to maintain their human appearance. David Icke has been a devoted proponent of this theory. Reportedly the Bush family and the British Royal Family are actually such creatures, and Diana, Princess of Wales was aware of this, presumably relating to her death. David Icke's theory, which encompasses many other conspiracy theories, is that humanity is actually under the reptillians; with evidence ranging from Sumerian tablets describing the "Anunnaki" (which he translates as "those who from heaven to earth came"), to the serpent in the Biblical Garden of Eden, to child abuse and water fluoridation. This theory has been the subject of several books."

I shit you not. This is a legitimate conspiracy theory!


On a happier note... Drugs!

OK so I knew weed was both less harmful and less addicting than tobacco and booze, but acid and E as well?? Maybe I haven't researched this to the necessary extent, but who's in charge of what's illegal in this country, and what the hell are they smoking?

Two things make me miss cello:
-Awesome symphonies
-Jacqueline du Pre

This one in particular, as it was the last one I ever performed


I don't even like Haydn, but du Pre makes everything awesome


Here's one thing I don't miss

"Oh you play cello?! Do you know that Bach piece/that song from that movie/that song from that commercial/the one that goes lalalalalalalala??"
Yes I do, and No I won't play it for you.

Bonjourno. Gratsi.

I realized you can't multitask while watching a foreign film. I caught myself turning up the volume (as to better "hear" it) for "The Lives of Others" (which is in German) and then I realized how retarded that was.

Why is it that whenever I see a cop, I suddenly forget everything I was ever taught about driving and I can't remember for the life of me what the speed limit is?

I can't imagine what life was like before glasses were invented. And by glasses I mean the things that made your vision better, not the things that hold your wine.

Don't you hate it when, during class, you randomly recall something hilarious a friend said and start laughing? And then you try to cover it up by coughing?

Trying to cover up a fart by coughing never works. The pre-cough tension forces it out a split second before you can cover it up.

(I apologize in advance for this one)
Apparently taking a dump is an ab workout (Dennis's brilliant insight). Does that mean that if you were constipated for long enough, you'd get a 6 pack from all that pushing? Or if the reverse is true, would having a 6 pack make it easier to shit? You'd probably have to be careful not to give yourself a hemorrhoid.

I don't know what to think when I see an Asian person mocking other Asians by pulling on his eyes to make them look even squinty-er.

The Chinese writing system seems like a pain in the ass, but Arabic looks pretty ridiculous too. And they write from right to left! Incredible. Arabic and Russian both look pretty badass actually. I don't know if that's true, or if that's just what I think because the media has brainwashed me into thinking Arabs are all crazy gun-wielding flag-burning America-cursing killing machines and James Bond movies have taught me that you gotta watch out for them Russians. Regardless of the fact that I've pretty much only seen these languages associated with war and/or terrorism, I'd feel pretty badass if I could learn at least one of them.
"Hello," in
Russian - привет
(tfel ot thgir morf s'ti esuaceb) مرحبا - cibarA
Man, typing like that must be a bitch. I totally got off on a weird tangent there, forgive me.*

I wonder if European chicks dig American accents. And by European I mean British or Australian. And I assume "British" covers English, Scottish, and Irish. And I guess Australia covers New Zealand.

By the way, what continent is New Zealand on? Someone enlighten me.

This post is f*cking retarded. Gotta get back into the swing of things.


*new poll, inspired by this musing!

Destiny?

Over the course of 2 days, I had Korean BBQ TWICE, Chili's, at least 20 McNuggets, and I didn't work out at all.

Net Weight Gain:


1 lb.

Mission Gain Weight = Failed.


*sigh*
I guess I'm doomed to be 170lb for the rest of my life.



I was thinking about how amazing it is that seemingly insignificant changes in your life can result in huge changes in your future.
For example: if I hadn't switched from Catholic to public school, I probably never would've started to play cello.
If I hadn't started to play cello, I never would've audition for colleges.
If I hadn't auditioned, my GPA wouldn't have been good enough to get into any UC ranked above SB.
Q.E.D. switching to public school meant a difference of UCSC (or ASU or something) and UCLA. (I'm sure Santa Cruz (and ASU etc) is (are) awesome, but please. UCLA vs. UCSC?)


hell yeah!


UCSC fun fact: they were gonna change the mascot from banana slugs to "sea lions," but apparently the students voted against that.
I'm not judging.

LOL

Apparently now that text messaging and twitter are becoming such huge parts of communication, knowledge of the acronyms commonly used is becoming increasingly essential.

A couple of the (most likely) less commonly used acronyms I discovered were jfgi (just fucking google it), and phat (pretty hot and tempting).

So girls, there's finally proof that if a guy calls you [ph]at, he's shamelessly hitting on you. But I knew that all along though.

There was this story in the news (not sure why it made it to the news) about this woman who thought lol stood for "lots of love," so she texted her friend a message along these lines:
"Heard your mother died. LOL. Call me if you need to talk."

lol.

Is Love a Delusion?

"Love is the delusion that one [person] differs from another."
~Henry Louis Mencken

A lot of people are gonna hate this, but I think it's an interesting idea. Though it's a very cynical way to view romance, there may be some truth to what Mencken said.
Yeah.
I went there.

Firstly, I'd like to state that I certainly don't believe that everyone is the same. I'm sure Mencken knew as well that the odds of you falling in love with one person aren't the same as everyone else in the world. But I do believe you have way more options than one, and that the idea of a "soul mate" is ridiculous and delusional.

Obviously the fact that I'm single makes this easier to say. At the same time, I think being infatuated is like being on a drug. It alters your mind and prevents you from thinking straight all the time. Anyway, I'm well aware that this isn't the kind of conversation you go and have with your girlfriend, so if you were thinking about bringing this up with your significant other you should probably smack yourself in the face.
Twice.

I'll wait.

Anyway, I'm gonna go off on some tangents.

I honestly think you can't believe in true love without being a least a little bit religious. Isn't the idea supposed to be beyond scientific explanation? I know I'm assuming that all atheists are fierce advocates of logic above all else, and maybe that's not true, but I think the concept of love has a lot of religious undertones. A lot of people see it as a kind of supernatural/spiritual force that united two individuals. But is there a way to break down love with logic?

From what I've learned in Comm. and Anthro. classes, there are pretty solid explanations for why people fall in love. Obviously it all starts with initial attraction.

There are certain characteristics that practically everyone can agree make the opposite (or same?) sex attractive.

These characteristics are almost always highly correlated to fertility, e.g. high levels of testosterone in men gives then strong jaw, broad shoulders, and other things that women find attractive.

Females also tend to be attracted to males with power. (I use "male" and "female" because I'm not exclusively talking about humans.) This power is usually determined by size, strength, hunting capability etc. For humans, it can also be determined by wealth, charisma, etc. Then there's the cliche things like sense of humor, intelligence, talent (which are often the things that combine to make a person charismatic. Note to self: charisma = important).

OK here's where my thoughts come in. Maybe this is a stretch, but I think it's possible. If you were able to learn all the tiny things that affect a person being attracted to another, couldn't you figure out how to manipulate these traits to trick anyone into potentially falling in love with you?

I know it sounds pretty f*cked up, but isn't this KIND of similar to what "players" or "pick-up artists" (whatever you wanna call them) do?

Suppose it were possible to manipulate someone into falling in love with you. Would that make Mencken's statement valid?

The idea of love also changes when you look at it from an evolutionary perspective. It's been proven that men overestimate women's interest in them, while women overestimate men's sex drive. These both make sense, as male mammals are ideally supposed to "spread their seed" to as many females as possible, while females must be cautious and make sure the male they are impregnated by is the best choice possible. Because men invest very little in childbirth, it is in their best interest to sleep around (by animal/evolutionary standards) and because women invest very much in childbirth, it is in their best interest to be selective with their men/man.

It's hard not to be cynical about "love" when it starts to seem as simply a way to make reproduction a smoother process.

Feel free to disagree. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I'd love to be proven wrong.

YouTube?!?

OK I'm going to give this a shot. This is just a sample/test/warm-up/let's-see-what-happens/I-wonder-if-anyone-would-even-watch-this* video.
Yes, I play piano. No, I'm not good. But check it out and if it's good show all your friends! Maybe I'll be able to cross "make a YouTube video that gets over 1,000 views" off of my to-do list.



Yeah I screwed up a bit. Yeah the song's** kinda homo.
I don't give a damnnn

Better things will come later once I become pro at GarageBand and iMovie. Be patient.





*typing with a hyphen replacing the spacebar is a pain in the ass.
**song, or "piece," if you're an elitist musician snob who cringes when people call things like concertos and symphonies "songs"

So You Think You Can Douche?

On my thrilling hour-long 2mph adventure returning from LAX, I noticed an ad on the back of a semi that said (and yes, the fonts are to scale):

ARE YOU
TOUGH
ENOUGH
to haul flowers?

And then there was a photo beneath of a muscular tattoo-covered arm clutching a bouquet.

Haha, yeah. I got a kick out of it too.


Check this out:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
So You Think You Can Douche
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Joke of the Day

If you're not gonna watch the whole clip, at least watch from 2:40-4:00. The "Dora the Explorer" clip is priceless.

Strawberries!

Our fridge as of yesterday:

Feelin' Good

No attempts to be clever today. Just the awesomeness of Muse.
They're kind of an acquired taste. So if you're not too familiar, give it time. At first you'll be like, "what the f*ck is this?" but before you know it you'll be music-gasming uncontrollably to the sound of every nuance of their unique style. This song isn't their most popular but it's my personal favorite, with Time is Running Out and Plug-in Baby in close 2nd.

Favorite Comedian?

I'm really curious to see who people like best.

Colbert is my personal favorite. Not only is he hilarious; he's incredibly quick-witted as well. He seems like he could improvise anything and make it ridiculously funny. (Check out the video below.)

Mitch Hedberg is also very funny. He's got that very unique delivery and crazy imagination. Whether or not most of his material came as a side effect of substance abuse, he's still a great comedian. (I got a post on him too.)

Jon Stewart, like Colbert, seems very intelligent. He just seems like an all around good guy too. He played a big part in Colbert's success, but I still like Colbert's comedy a bit better. Definitely wouldn't mind having a beer with Jon Stewart though.

Seems like the cool thing to do now is hate on Dane Cook, but he's really not that bad. His sense of humor seems a bit immature but you can't deny he's a pretty damn entertaining storyteller. He's also probably the most well known of these six, especially among college students (but I could be wrong?).

Russell Peters is well-known for his f*cking hilarious accent imitations (see here). He's always fun to listen to, but I feel like a lot of his material is really similar and gets old after a while. But that's just me.

I recently discovered Craig Ferguson. He's this Scottish guy who hosts a late night talk show after Letterman, and he never fails to make me laugh. I think the accent plays a big part. He uses a lot of self-deprecating humor, but it's great. You should DEFINITELY check him out if you've never heard of him. You're in for a treat. (Check him out)

Yeah. Let me know what you guys think. Vote!


I guess if your favorite isn't up there, they probably aren't that good.  So suck it.  Unless it's Demetri Martin or George Carlin.  Lots of respect for George Carlin as well.




"Love is a full-length mirror."
-Stephen Colbert

Colbert!

It's impossible not to love this guy.

Find more at hulu

Oh, and by the way - the poll is still up. Hint, hint.

What the Random

I lot of people shake their heads at the Russians when they learn that their words for "vodka" and "water" are only separated by one letter and are often confused for one another. (vodka vs. voda.) Silly Russians.

What a lot of people don't know about is the history of the word "whisky."
The word "whisky" is directed derived from a shortening of the Gaelic "uisce beatha," meaning "water of life." (The pronunciation of Gaelic uisce is very similar to that of English whisky.)
So not only does the word literally translate to "water" in the Irish language - it's derived from "water of LIFE." (The Irish would.) I think this explains a lot about these people. They probably die if their BAC drops below 0.20.
(Courtesy of Wikipedia: Unless a person has developed a high tolerance for alcohol, a BAC rating of 0.20% represents very serious intoxication (most first-time drinkers would be unconscious by about 0.15%), and 0.35%–0.40% represents potentially fatal alcohol poisoning.)
(I include this because 0.20 seems like such a pathetically small number and is hardly funny unless you know a bit about BAC which I apparently do not despite all the alcohol edu we've been forced through. And I didn't want to write a higher number and have some smartass call me out for being unrealistic.)



Summer Goal Update!

Start a blog
Actually write in it
Make some money off it (0.02¢ so far bitches! Thanks guys.)
*Make more than a dollar. Ambitious, I know.
Learn to write left-handed (getting much better)
Finish reading 1776, The Picture of Dorian Grey, Winston Churchill's Memoirs from WWII *gag*
Make a YouTube video that exceeds 1,000 views (in progress)
Come up with a baller signature
Kickflip consistently
Varial flip
Dunk
Dunk not because I'm 6'4" but because I'm awesome and have a 40" vertical
Swim 400m without dying (I did 300m but almost passed out)
Touch my toes
Touch my toes without bending my knees (started at 7 inches away, now at 4!)





PS. I noticed I've been getting some hits from Japan, Korea, Spain, Taiwan, Australia, Canada; even Belgium and Malaysia(?!), so I'd like to thank them. ありがとうございます、감사합니다, gracias, thanks mate! etc.

RIP mi amiga.

(Since asking for 5 seconds of your useless internet time to vote on my little poll is apparently too demanding, I'll save my peanut butter post for later. But now that my site's been approved to display ads, I need to update more often anyway, so here's a little something:)



Yesterday was a sad day for America, everyone-


Gidget has finally passed away.


Excuse me? You don't know who GIDGET is?!
You must hate America.



Ring any bells?

"F*ck Taco Bell...¡Yo quiero vivir*!"

Gidget lived to the ripe age of 15 (76 in human years). Not bad considering how often she wanted Taco Bell.
For those of you who don't know (which I'd hope would be 99.9% of the general population), Gidget also starred in Legally Blonde 2, some Geico ads, and inspired the adoptions of chihuahuas worldwide. I mean America. (the world, America, same thing.)
Anyway, look on the bright side: if you own a chihuahua, there's a new job opening available!

She will be buried tonight in a soft taco shell after cremation by means of Fire Sauce. (Too soon?)



RIP Gidget.
1994 - July 23, 2009


*vivir = "to live"
(for those of you who aren't familiar with the fair Spanish language)

Peanut Butter Poll!

Take the goddamn poll on the right over there, it'll take 2 seconds of your time. This is a very important matter.



(250 hits, not bad ☺)

P.S. Apparently the last post was a hit, it actually shows up in Google search! If that's the kinda thing people like, I'll keep it up. Hope it didn't offend anyone.

P.P.S. Now vote.

Hahaha. no.

Oh herro!

So I've seen this shirt, and I sorta get why it's funny.










For those who have never seen this (or have seen it but never knew what it meant because you didn't really give enough of a shit to find out,) it reads "White people can't read/understand this." Or something along those lines. I wouldn't really have a problem with it, but the guy in the ad looks like a tool. Or a douche.
Nah. Looks more tool-ish (tool-y?) than douche-y (douche-ish? try saying that 10 times quickly)
Oh, and when I see a white person wearing this shirt, a little part inside me dies. I've actually witnessed this a couple times on campus. *sigh*

What if I created a t-shirt that looked like this?










Think people would appreciate that one? 

Me neither.  But I'd personally still get a kick out of it.

Who's laughing now sucka.

F*ck Sudoku

If you can solve this one without guessing/cheating, I'll give you 20 bucks.

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

A little about this was featured on yahoo.com, but it didn't really cover much. Since the idea that your handwriting can reveal a lot about you is pretty intriguing, I looked into it a bit more. I checked multiple sources to find which data was the most consistent, and here's what I came up with:

(before you read on, it might be interesting to write a few sentences down to give yourself a sample of your own handwriting, preferably in cursive)


The SLANT of your letters:
The more they slant to the right, the more extroverted you tend to be. You also tend to be more emotional, and rely more on intuition, i.e. the heart rules the head. A leftward slant indicates a more cynical type, who doesn't like to expose their emotions, and relies much more on logic than on emotion. Perfectly vertical writing indicates a good balance, but the head tends to rule over the heart. People with vertical writing tend to keep emotions in check, but don't go out of their way to conceal them.
In a nutshell:
RIGHTWARD slant = wild personality
VERTICAL = chill personality
LEFTWARD = cynical/cold personality

The PRESSURE you apply when you write:
This one is pretty straightforward and makes sense - the more pressure you write with, the more energetic your personality is. Usually, if you write with more pressure, you tend to be more driven and successful. Those with light pressure tend to avoid draining activities, i.e. you're a lazyass.

The SIZE of your handwriting:
If you have large handwriting, you tend to be outgoing, and more focused on the big picture than on minor details. If you have tiny handwriting, you tend to prefer to keep to yourself more often than not, and you focus more on details than the bigger picture. Size also indicates your ability to concentrate. Smaller handwriting reflects a personality that is able to concentrate for longer periods of time. Most of us have average size writing, implying an average ability to concentrate. Many brilliant scientists have very small, very neat handwriting.

The ZONES you emphasize the most:
This one might be a bit confusing to explain, but I'll try my best. Remember when you were learning how to write letters in kindergarten and 1st grade? Remember the format of the paper you used? Maybe this will refresh your memory:

The area between the solid blue base line and the dotted blue line represent the MIDDLE zone. The UPPER zone is the area above the dotted line, the LOWER zone being below the solid blue base line.
The UPPER zone represents philosophical imagination and intellectual thought. The MIDDLE zone, day to day concerns and daily activities. The LOWER zone, physical and material drives, e.g. sex and money. People who write uppercase letters much taller than lowercase and write their d's, t's, b's, l's etc with particularly long stems tend to be intellectual and philosophical. People who write their y's with big loops tend to have more sex drive and a greed for money, and g's with big loops indicate a very social personality and "creative" sexual fantasies (wtf?). The width of mid-zone, such as an "o" with a lot of space within itself, reflect open-mindedness. A narrow middle zone implies narrow-minded thinking. If you don't put much emphasis on any particular zone, you're probably pretty well-rounded.

Space between LETTERS:
The less space between letters and the more compressed they are indicates lower self-esteem. Therefore, average spacing reflects a person who is comfortable with themselves. If you put a ton of space between letters, it doesn't necessarily mean you have high self-esteem. You might just be weird.

Space between WORDS:
This one is pretty straightforward as well. People who prefer to be around others more often than not write with less space between words, while those who prefer to keep their space (naturally) write with more space between words.

"Sharp" writing vs. "round" writing:
If you write your cursive s's, r's, m's, n's etc with pointed ("sharp") tops, you tend to be a quicker thinker than someone who writes these letters very rounded. Witty people tend to write "sharper," while slower, methodical thinking people tend to write "rounder."

The SPEED of your writing:
Fast writers may be spontaneous, impatient, ambitious, aggressive, negligent, quick thinkers, accident-prone, etc. Average speed writers are slower thinkers. They may be cautious, creative, organized, etc. Slow writers show lack of ambition and determination, and are often ostentatious or lack mental capacity. Obviously, this should all be taken with a grain of salt as your mood can cause changes in writing speed, and even other aspects of your handwriting.

Mitch Hedberg: Comedic Genius

A little taste:

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass."

"You don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to drink Gatorade. What if you are just a thirsty dude? Gatorade seems to forget about this demographic."

"I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube."

"Tony the Tiger thinks shit is great. Thats all I got. I ordered two little boxes of frosted flakes for room service, it cost $37.50! On the box Tony the Tiger was going 'They're fffffucking expensive!'"

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!'"

Check him out on YouTube:

This video is definitely worth your time


Don't forget to test the poll in the upper right for me by voting. It's anonymous, so chill. People won't think you're weird.

SUMMER FUN

Summer goals! (and experimentation with html for checkboxes)

Start a blog
Actually write in it
Make some money off it
Learn to write left-handed
Finish reading 1776, The Picture of Dorian Grey, Winston Churchill's Memoirs from WWII *gag*
Make a YouTube video that exceeds 1,000 views
Come up with a baller signature
Kickflip consistently
Varial flip
Dunk
Dunk not because I'm 6'4" but because I'm awesome and have a 40" vertical
Swim 400m without dying
Touch my toes
Touch my toes without bending my knees


I was bored, give me a break. And yes, I am aware anyone can change the checkboxes, but I still think I'm pretty awesome for making them in the first place. Supposedly you're more likely to accomplish goals if you write them down, so suck it.

P.S. check this out:

"Michael Jackson in 2000"...prediction from 1985

Why?

Herro.

It's easy to start by simply posting things I find amusing.  I'll start writing my own material eventually, but I'm going to stray from that bullshit people wrote back in jr. high and high school on their xangas either listing a play-by-play of all the stupid/useless crap they did all day or a rant about some douchebag teacher who gave them a B+ instead of an A- or some asshole who cut them in line in the school cafeteria or any other form of bitching with the absence of even an ounce of entertainment.

I don't even know what I'm going to write about, but I promise I'll try to keep it substantial, hopefully amusing, maybe even thought-provoking.  

Oh yeah, you can make a few bucks if your blog get enough views, so if you feel like being altruistic, keep coming back here or clicking on shit on this page. =)  It'd be tight if I could get a ton of people to make their own blogs and help each other out with traffic on your page or whatever the hell you call it.

The worst title for a children's book:

Most badass president ever

As many of us often find ourselves doing, I began to wonder, "Why is Teddy Roosevelt, of all people, the fourth face on Mount Rushmore?"  You got Washington, the leader of the American Revolution and the founder of our country; Jefferson, the principal author of the Declaration of Indepence; and Lincoln, recognized by many as the greatest president of the United States.

What did Roosevelt do that was so great? Our friends at Cracked.com explain:

"Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.

And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it.

It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.

Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him.

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include:
"A cold."
"A stubbed toe."
"It's raining."
"There's a spider near the door."

Most Badass Quote:
This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass."

(http://www.cracked.com/article_15895_p5.html)

Fight Club

The back door opens and Tyler brings the store's clerk out at gunpoint, forces him to his knees. Jack is already there, freaked. Tyler points the gun at the clerk's head.

JACK: What are you doing? Come on...
TYLER(to the clerk): Hands behind your back.
JACK: God!
TYLER (to the clerk): Give me your wallet.

The Clerk fumbles his wallet out of his pocket and Tyler snatches it. Tyler pulls out the driver's license.

TYLER: Raymond K. Hessel. 1320 SE Benning, apartment A. Small, cramped basement apartment, Raymond?
RAYMOND: How'd you know?
TYLER: Because they give shitty basement apartments letters instead of numbers. Raymond, you are going to die.
RAYMOND: No...

Tyler rummages through the wallet.

TYLER: Is that your mom and dad? Mom and dad will have to call kindly dr. so-and-so to dig up your dental records, do you wanna know why? Because there won't be nothing left of your face.
RAYMOND: Oh...
JACK: Aw, come on!

Raymond begins to weep, shoulders heaving.

TYLER: An expired community college student ID! What did you study, Raymond?
RAYMOND: S-s-s-stuff...
TYLER: Stuff? Were the midterms hard?

Tyler rams the gun barrel against Raymond's temple.

TYLER: I asked you what you studied.
RAYMOND: Biology, mostly.
TYLER: Why?
RAYMOND: I don't know...
TYLER: What did you want to be, Raymond K. Hessel?

Raymond weeps and says nothing. Tyler cocks the gun. Raymond gasps.

TYLER: The question, Raymond, was what did you want to be?
JACK: Answer, Raymond! Jesus!
RAYMOND: Veterinarian! Veterinarian!
TYLER: Animals.
RAYMOND: Yeah, animals and s-s-s....
TYLER: --Stuff, yeah I got that. That means you have to get more schooling.
RAYMOND: Too much school.
TYLER: Would you rather be dead? Would you rather die? Here? On your knees? In the back of a convenience store?
RAYMOND: No!!

Tyler unlocks the gun, lowers it.

TYLER: I'm keeping your license. I'm going to check in on you. I know where you live. If you aren't back in school and on your way to being a veterinarian in six weeks, you will be dead. Now run on home.

Tyler throws him his wallet. Raymond takes it, staggers to his feet and heads down an alleyway, running.

TYLER: Run, Forrest, run!
JACK: I feel ill.
TYLER: Imagine how he feels.
JACK: Come on, this isn't funny! That wasn't funny! What the fuck was the point of that?
TYLER: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day in Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you or I have ever tasted.

Tyler throws the gun back to Jack and walks away.