I apologize for being sensitive

So I was standing in line at Chipotle. Because it was Friday. My doctor told me to go on every day with six letters.
Anyway, my homeboy Juan is going through the motions, making everyone's burrito to perfection, maybe a little small talk here and there, when this smug-looking douchebag with a goofy grin steps up to be helped.
"What would you like on your burrito, sir?"
Hmmm.....SURPRISE ME!
"..."

Surprise.
me.

The juxtaposition of those two words makes me cringe. How bout I take a shit in your burrito, would that be surprising enough for you? I hated people like that, acting all pseudo-charming, even when I was just working at BruinCafe and I had to ask them to decide between fruit and chips. "Surprise me!" Shut the fuck up and just PICK SOMETHING, I'm not hear to entertain you or read your mind, I'm here for the shitty paycheck and free food!
This.
is.
problematic.



So I'm in history lecture and this dude decides to raise his hand. Strike one.
He begins to speak. "I just wanted to make a comment on something..." Strike two.
He continues: "So I was watching CSPAN the other day, and..." Strike three. I officially hate you.


Does anyone else think it's odd when people end emails with "cheers"?

Car alarms can be entertaining when they're far away and you know it's probably driving at least 200 people in the nearby apartments insane.


Using my dictionary as a frisbee is my favorite form of word play. Haha. See what I did there?

I like pillow talk. I tell it everything.

I wouldn't wanna f*ck with the chicken they had to kill to make my chicken fingers.

If I take care of chickens, does that make me a chicken tender?

I think it's great we're cutting the wings off of buffalo. Imagine if those things could fly. Imagine getting buffalo shit all over your windshield.

I wanna see a dog with a tongue piercing.
That's not word play. I just do.


Ahh... I love falling asleep to the low humming sound of a fan on a warm night. Goodnight.