Thursday, July 30, 2009

So You Think You Can Douche?

On my thrilling hour-long 2mph adventure returning from LAX, I noticed an ad on the back of a semi that said (and yes, the fonts are to scale):

ARE YOU
TOUGH
ENOUGH
to haul flowers?

And then there was a photo beneath of a muscular tattoo-covered arm clutching a bouquet.

Haha, yeah. I got a kick out of it too.


Check this out:
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
So You Think You Can Douche
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorJoke of the Day

If you're not gonna watch the whole clip, at least watch from 2:40-4:00. The "Dora the Explorer" clip is priceless.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Strawberries!

Our fridge as of yesterday:

Feelin' Good



No attempts to be clever today. Just the awesomeness of Muse.
They're kind of an acquired taste. So if you're not too familiar, give it time. At first you'll be like, "what the f*ck is this?" but before you know it you'll be music-gasming uncontrollably to the sound of every nuance of their unique style. This song isn't their most popular but it's my personal favorite, with Time is Running Out and Plug-in Baby in close 2nd.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Favorite Comedian?

I'm really curious to see who people like best.

Colbert is my personal favorite. Not only is he hilarious; he's incredibly quick-witted as well. He seems like he could improvise anything and make it ridiculously funny. (Check out the video below.)

Mitch Hedberg is also very funny. He's got that very unique delivery and crazy imagination. Whether or not most of his material came as a side effect of substance abuse, he's still a great comedian. (I got a post on him too.)

Jon Stewart, like Colbert, seems very intelligent. He just seems like an all around good guy too. He played a big part in Colbert's success, but I still like Colbert's comedy a bit better. Definitely wouldn't mind having a beer with Jon Stewart though.

Seems like the cool thing to do now is hate on Dane Cook, but he's really not that bad. His sense of humor seems a bit immature but you can't deny he's a pretty damn entertaining storyteller. He's also probably the most well known of these six, especially among college students (but I could be wrong?).

Russell Peters is well-known for his f*cking hilarious accent imitations (see here). He's always fun to listen to, but I feel like a lot of his material is really similar and gets old after a while. But that's just me.

I recently discovered Craig Ferguson. He's this Scottish guy who hosts a late night talk show after Letterman, and he never fails to make me laugh. I think the accent plays a big part. He uses a lot of self-deprecating humor, but it's great. You should DEFINITELY check him out if you've never heard of him. You're in for a treat. (Check him out)

Yeah. Let me know what you guys think. Vote!


I guess if your favorite isn't up there, they probably aren't that good.  So suck it.  Unless it's Demetri Martin or George Carlin.  Lots of respect for George Carlin as well.




"Love is a full-length mirror."
-Stephen Colbert

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Colbert!


It's impossible not to love this guy.

Find more at hulu

Oh, and by the way - the poll is still up. Hint, hint.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

What the Random

I lot of people shake their heads at the Russians when they learn that their words for "vodka" and "water" are only separated by one letter and are often confused for one another. (vodka vs. voda.) Silly Russians.

What a lot of people don't know about is the history of the word "whisky."
The word "whisky" is directed derived from a shortening of the Gaelic "uisce beatha," meaning "water of life." (The pronunciation of Gaelic uisce is very similar to that of English whisky.)
So not only does the word literally translate to "water" in the Irish language - it's derived from "water of LIFE." (The Irish would.) I think this explains a lot about these people. They probably die if their BAC drops below 0.20.
(Courtesy of Wikipedia: Unless a person has developed a high tolerance for alcohol, a BAC rating of 0.20% represents very serious intoxication (most first-time drinkers would be unconscious by about 0.15%), and 0.35%–0.40% represents potentially fatal alcohol poisoning.)
(I include this because 0.20 seems like such a pathetically small number and is hardly funny unless you know a bit about BAC which I apparently do not despite all the alcohol edu we've been forced through. And I didn't want to write a higher number and have some smartass call me out for being unrealistic.)




Summer Goal Update!

Start a blog
Actually write in it
Make some money off it (0.02¢ so far bitches! Thanks guys.)
*Make more than a dollar. Ambitious, I know.
Learn to write left-handed (getting much better)
Finish reading 1776, The Picture of Dorian Grey, Winston Churchill's Memoirs from WWII *gag*
Make a YouTube video that exceeds 1,000 views (in progress)
Come up with a baller signature
Kickflip consistently
Varial flip
Dunk
Dunk not because I'm 6'4" but because I'm awesome and have a 40" vertical
Swim 400m without dying (I did 300m but almost passed out)
Touch my toes
Touch my toes without bending my knees (started at 7 inches away, now at 4!)





PS. I noticed I've been getting some hits from Japan, Korea, Spain, Taiwan, Australia, Canada; even Belgium and Malaysia(?!), so I'd like to thank them. ありがとうございます、감사합니다, gracias, thanks mate! etc.

Friday, July 24, 2009

RIP mi amiga.

(Since asking for 5 seconds of your useless internet time to vote on my little poll is apparently too demanding, I'll save my peanut butter post for later. But now that my site's been approved to display ads, I need to update more often anyway, so here's a little something:)



Yesterday was a sad day for America, everyone-


Gidget has finally passed away.


Excuse me? You don't know who GIDGET is?!
You must hate America.



Ring any bells?

"F*ck Taco Bell...¡Yo quiero vivir*!"

Gidget lived to the ripe age of 15 (76 in human years). Not bad considering how often she wanted Taco Bell.
For those of you who don't know (which I'd hope would be 99.9% of the general population), Gidget also starred in Legally Blonde 2, some Geico ads, and inspired the adoptions of chihuahuas worldwide. I mean America. (the world, America, same thing.)
Anyway, look on the bright side: if you own a chihuahua, there's a new job opening available!

She will be buried tonight in a soft taco shell after cremation by means of Fire Sauce. (Too soon?)



RIP Gidget.
1994 - July 23, 2009


*vivir = "to live"
(for those of you who aren't familiar with the fair Spanish language)

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Peanut Butter Poll!

Take the goddamn poll on the right over there, it'll take 2 seconds of your time. This is a very important matter.



(250 hits, not bad ☺)

P.S. Apparently the last post was a hit, it actually shows up in Google search! If that's the kinda thing people like, I'll keep it up. Hope it didn't offend anyone.

P.P.S. Now vote.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Hahaha. no.

Oh herro!

So I've seen this shirt, and I sorta get why it's funny.










For those who have never seen this (or have seen it but never knew what it meant because you didn't really give enough of a shit to find out,) it reads "White people can't read/understand this." Or something along those lines. I wouldn't really have a problem with it, but the guy in the ad looks like a tool. Or a douche.
Nah. Looks more tool-ish (tool-y?) than douche-y (douche-ish? try saying that 10 times quickly)
Oh, and when I see a white person wearing this shirt, a little part inside me dies. I've actually witnessed this a couple times on campus. *sigh*

What if I created a t-shirt that looked like this?










Think people would appreciate that one? 
Me neither.  But I'd personally still get a kick out of it.
















Who's laughing now sucka.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

F*ck Sudoku



If you can solve this one without guessing/cheating, I'll give you 20 bucks.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?

A little about this was featured on yahoo.com, but it didn't really cover much. Since the idea that your handwriting can reveal a lot about you is pretty intriguing, I looked into it a bit more. I checked multiple sources to find which data was the most consistent, and here's what I came up with:

(before you read on, it might be interesting to write a few sentences down to give yourself a sample of your own handwriting, preferably in cursive)


The SLANT of your letters:
The more they slant to the right, the more extroverted you tend to be. You also tend to be more emotional, and rely more on intuition, i.e. the heart rules the head. A leftward slant indicates a more cynical type, who doesn't like to expose their emotions, and relies much more on logic than on emotion. Perfectly vertical writing indicates a good balance, but the head tends to rule over the heart. People with vertical writing tend to keep emotions in check, but don't go out of their way to conceal them.
In a nutshell:
RIGHTWARD slant = wild personality
VERTICAL = chill personality
LEFTWARD = cynical/cold personality

The PRESSURE you apply when you write:
This one is pretty straightforward and makes sense - the more pressure you write with, the more energetic your personality is. Usually, if you write with more pressure, you tend to be more driven and successful. Those with light pressure tend to avoid draining activities, i.e. you're a lazyass.

The SIZE of your handwriting:
If you have large handwriting, you tend to be outgoing, and more focused on the big picture than on minor details. If you have tiny handwriting, you tend to prefer to keep to yourself more often than not, and you focus more on details than the bigger picture. Size also indicates your ability to concentrate. Smaller handwriting reflects a personality that is able to concentrate for longer periods of time. Most of us have average size writing, implying an average ability to concentrate. Many brilliant scientists have very small, very neat handwriting.

The ZONES you emphasize the most:
This one might be a bit confusing to explain, but I'll try my best. Remember when you were learning how to write letters in kindergarten and 1st grade? Remember the format of the paper you used? Maybe this will refresh your memory:

The area between the solid blue base line and the dotted blue line represent the MIDDLE zone. The UPPER zone is the area above the dotted line, the LOWER zone being below the solid blue base line.
The UPPER zone represents philosophical imagination and intellectual thought. The MIDDLE zone, day to day concerns and daily activities. The LOWER zone, physical and material drives, e.g. sex and money. People who write uppercase letters much taller than lowercase and write their d's, t's, b's, l's etc with particularly long stems tend to be intellectual and philosophical. People who write their y's with big loops tend to have more sex drive and a greed for money, and g's with big loops indicate a very social personality and "creative" sexual fantasies (wtf?). The width of mid-zone, such as an "o" with a lot of space within itself, reflect open-mindedness. A narrow middle zone implies narrow-minded thinking. If you don't put much emphasis on any particular zone, you're probably pretty well-rounded.

Space between LETTERS:
The less space between letters and the more compressed they are indicates lower self-esteem. Therefore, average spacing reflects a person who is comfortable with themselves. If you put a ton of space between letters, it doesn't necessarily mean you have high self-esteem. You might just be weird.

Space between WORDS:
This one is pretty straightforward as well. People who prefer to be around others more often than not write with less space between words, while those who prefer to keep their space (naturally) write with more space between words.

"Sharp" writing vs. "round" writing:
If you write your cursive s's, r's, m's, n's etc with pointed ("sharp") tops, you tend to be a quicker thinker than someone who writes these letters very rounded. Witty people tend to write "sharper," while slower, methodical thinking people tend to write "rounder."

The SPEED of your writing:
Fast writers may be spontaneous, impatient, ambitious, aggressive, negligent, quick thinkers, accident-prone, etc. Average speed writers are slower thinkers. They may be cautious, creative, organized, etc. Slow writers show lack of ambition and determination, and are often ostentatious or lack mental capacity. Obviously, this should all be taken with a grain of salt as your mood can cause changes in writing speed, and even other aspects of your handwriting.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Mitch Hedberg: Comedic Genius

A little taste:

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."

"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."

"I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass."

"You don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to drink Gatorade. What if you are just a thirsty dude? Gatorade seems to forget about this demographic."

"I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube."

"Tony the Tiger thinks shit is great. Thats all I got. I ordered two little boxes of frosted flakes for room service, it cost $37.50! On the box Tony the Tiger was going 'They're fffffucking expensive!'"

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!'"

Check him out on YouTube:

This video is definitely worth your time


Don't forget to test the poll in the upper right for me by voting. It's anonymous, so chill. People won't think you're weird.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

SUMMER FUN

Summer goals! (and experimentation with html for checkboxes)

Start a blog
Actually write in it
Make some money off it
Learn to write left-handed
Finish reading 1776, The Picture of Dorian Grey, Winston Churchill's Memoirs from WWII *gag*
Make a YouTube video that exceeds 1,000 views
Come up with a baller signature
Kickflip consistently
Varial flip
Dunk
Dunk not because I'm 6'4" but because I'm awesome and have a 40" vertical
Swim 400m without dying
Touch my toes
Touch my toes without bending my knees


I was bored, give me a break. And yes, I am aware anyone can change the checkboxes, but I still think I'm pretty awesome for making them in the first place. Supposedly you're more likely to accomplish goals if you write them down, so suck it.

P.S. check this out:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Why?

Herro.

It's easy to start by simply posting things I find amusing.  I'll start writing my own material eventually, but I'm going to stray from that bullshit people wrote back in jr. high and high school on their xangas either listing a play-by-play of all the stupid/useless crap they did all day or a rant about some douchebag teacher who gave them a B+ instead of an A- or some asshole who cut them in line in the school cafeteria or any other form of bitching with the absence of even an ounce of entertainment.
I don't even know what I'm going to write about, but I promise I'll try to keep it substantial, hopefully amusing, maybe even thought-provoking.  
Oh yeah, you can make a few bucks if your blog get enough views, so if you feel like being altruistic, keep coming back here or clicking on shit on this page. =)  It'd be tight if I could get a ton of people to make their own blogs and help each other out with traffic on your page or whatever the hell you call it.



The worst title for a children's book:

Most badass president ever

As many of us often find ourselves doing, I began to wonder, "Why is Teddy Roosevelt, of all people, the fourth face on Mount Rushmore?"  You got Washington, the leader of the American Revolution and the founder of our country; Jefferson, the principal author of the Declaration of Indepence; and Lincoln, recognized by many as the greatest president of the United States.

What did Roosevelt do that was so great? Our friends at Cracked.com explain:




"Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.

And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it.

It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.

Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him.

Greatest Display of Badassedry:
While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include:
"A cold."
"A stubbed toe."
"It's raining."
"There's a spider near the door."

Most Badass Quote:
This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass."

(http://www.cracked.com/article_15895_p5.html)

Monday, July 13, 2009

Fight Club

The back door opens and Tyler brings the store's clerk out at gunpoint, forces him to his knees. Jack is already there, freaked. Tyler points the gun at the clerk's head.

JACK: What are you doing? Come on...
TYLER(
to the clerk): Hands behind your back.
JACK: God!
TYLER (
to the clerk): Give me your wallet.

The Clerk fumbles his wallet out of his pocket and Tyler snatches it. Tyler pulls out the driver's license.

TYLER: Raymond K. Hessel. 1320 SE Benning, apartment A. Small, cramped basement apartment, Raymond?
RAYMOND: How'd you know?
TYLER: Because they give shitty basement apartments letters instead of numbers. Raymond, you are going to die.
RAYMOND: No...


Tyler rummages through the wallet.

TYLER: Is that your mom and dad? Mom and dad will have to call kindly dr. so-and-so to dig up your dental records, do you wanna know why? Because there won't be nothing left of your face.
RAYMOND: Oh...
JACK: Aw, come on!


Raymond begins to weep, shoulders heaving.

TYLER: An expired community college student ID! What did you study, Raymond?
RAYMOND: S-s-s-stuff...
TYLER: Stuff? Were the midterms hard?


Tyler rams the gun barrel against Raymond's temple.

TYLER: I asked you what you studied.
RAYMOND: Biology, mostly.
TYLER: Why?
RAYMOND: I don't know...
TYLER: What did you want to be, Raymond K. Hessel?


Raymond weeps and says nothing. Tyler cocks the gun. Raymond gasps.

TYLER: The question, Raymond, was what did you want to be?
JACK: Answer, Raymond! Jesus!
RAYMOND: Veterinarian! Veterinarian!
TYLER: Animals.
RAYMOND: Yeah, animals and s-s-s....
TYLER: --Stuff, yeah I got that. That means you have to get more schooling.
RAYMOND: Too much school.
TYLER: Would you rather be dead? Would you rather die? Here? On your knees? In the back of a convenience store?
RAYMOND: No!!


Tyler unlocks the gun, lowers it.

TYLER: I'm keeping your license. I'm going to check in on you. I know where you live. If you aren't back in school and on your way to being a veterinarian in six weeks, you will be dead. Now run on home.

Tyler throws him his wallet. Raymond takes it, staggers to his feet and heads down an alleyway, running.

TYLER: Run, Forrest, run!
JACK: I feel ill.
TYLER: Imagine how he feels.
JACK: Come on, this isn't funny! That wasn't funny! What the fuck was the point of that?
TYLER: Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day in Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you or I have ever tasted.


Tyler throws the gun back to Jack and walks away.