Football

When I see squirrels in the road, I don't try to dodge them. I just plow right on through. If I miss, great. If I don't, fine. Natural selection will weed out all the dumbass ones that like to roam around the streets and we'll be left with smart ones that stay off the streets unless they WANT to die. And then I would be obliging them!

I wonder if Shaq can "palm" a basketball with just one finger (would that be called "fingering" the basketball...?) That man is an ogre...

Football is so much more intense and entertaining when you're an underdog. Too bad USC will never know the thrill of that. Where's the fun in cheering on a team that you already know is gonna win? When you're cheering USC and you win, it's like, "OK, great. That's expected." But if you lose, it's f*cking pathetic. Whereas when UCLA loses, we're like, "Oh well, it happens." And if we win we're like OMFG YESSS!!
I definitely prefer having a mediocre football team right now.

Check out George Carlin's hilarious comparison of football and baseball:

Trains, hermaphrodites, etc.

It freaks me out when the railroad crossing alert goes off, the barriers come down, but no train goes by! It makes me wonder... was the train invisible? Did the Hogwart's Express just go by? Or did they miscalculate when the train would pass through, and I'm gonna be obliterated as soon as I drive across the tracks?

I don't get why people jump in front of trains to kill themselves. This seems to be the popular method in Palo Alto. (and Tokyo?) I wonder if the people who are actually in the train feel any guilt when they find out they played a small part in indirectly assisting some kid's suicide?

I wonder what the Bible would read like if it was written in the same style that our generation speaks. For some reason "Dude, don't fantasize about your homie's girl" doesn't exactly have the same effect as "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife." Or "God like totally made this day, man. Let's party!" doesn't inspire quite as much veneration as "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad."

That sucks for that girl who broke some track record, and then the officials were like, "Wait a sec, are you a dude or a girl," and then they had to do "tests" (I can think of a really simple one) and determined (s)he's a hermaphrodite (OK maybe not for that) and now the whole WORLD knows about her little secret (a penis?)
(It's probably more complicated than that.)
Anyway that totally sucks. She's probably gonna lose her medal too.

I noticed Korean is in the lead over there. If you're just voting Korean because you worship some Korean drama/pop star/band, you are lame. Be objective.


DON'T HAVE A PROSAIC MIND!

Yay, Drugs!

First of all, I'd like to say that conspiracy theorist nuts piss me off. This includes the people that thought 9/11 was directly caused by the US government and that the plane that hit the pentagon was actually a "missile," those who think the moon landing was staged, and my favorite (and by "favorite" I mean the people I hate most), the Holocaust deniers. I didn't even know they still existed until I took Sociology 1 and noticed the occasional retard's comment on YouTube offering "irrefutable" "evidence" that the Holocaust never happened.

Here's my other favorite (and this time by "favorite" I mean the people I pity most):
"[The Evil Aliens] theory maintains that humanity is actually under the control of shape-shifting alien reptiles, who require periodic ingestion of human blood to maintain their human appearance. David Icke has been a devoted proponent of this theory. Reportedly the Bush family and the British Royal Family are actually such creatures, and Diana, Princess of Wales was aware of this, presumably relating to her death. David Icke's theory, which encompasses many other conspiracy theories, is that humanity is actually under the reptillians; with evidence ranging from Sumerian tablets describing the "Anunnaki" (which he translates as "those who from heaven to earth came"), to the serpent in the Biblical Garden of Eden, to child abuse and water fluoridation. This theory has been the subject of several books."

I shit you not. This is a legitimate conspiracy theory!


On a happier note... Drugs!

OK so I knew weed was both less harmful and less addicting than tobacco and booze, but acid and E as well?? Maybe I haven't researched this to the necessary extent, but who's in charge of what's illegal in this country, and what the hell are they smoking?

Two things make me miss cello:
-Awesome symphonies
-Jacqueline du Pre

This one in particular, as it was the last one I ever performed


I don't even like Haydn, but du Pre makes everything awesome


Here's one thing I don't miss

"Oh you play cello?! Do you know that Bach piece/that song from that movie/that song from that commercial/the one that goes lalalalalalalala??"
Yes I do, and No I won't play it for you.

Bonjourno. Gratsi.

I realized you can't multitask while watching a foreign film. I caught myself turning up the volume (as to better "hear" it) for "The Lives of Others" (which is in German) and then I realized how retarded that was.

Why is it that whenever I see a cop, I suddenly forget everything I was ever taught about driving and I can't remember for the life of me what the speed limit is?

I can't imagine what life was like before glasses were invented. And by glasses I mean the things that made your vision better, not the things that hold your wine.

Don't you hate it when, during class, you randomly recall something hilarious a friend said and start laughing? And then you try to cover it up by coughing?

Trying to cover up a fart by coughing never works. The pre-cough tension forces it out a split second before you can cover it up.

(I apologize in advance for this one)
Apparently taking a dump is an ab workout (Dennis's brilliant insight). Does that mean that if you were constipated for long enough, you'd get a 6 pack from all that pushing? Or if the reverse is true, would having a 6 pack make it easier to shit? You'd probably have to be careful not to give yourself a hemorrhoid.

I don't know what to think when I see an Asian person mocking other Asians by pulling on his eyes to make them look even squinty-er.

The Chinese writing system seems like a pain in the ass, but Arabic looks pretty ridiculous too. And they write from right to left! Incredible. Arabic and Russian both look pretty badass actually. I don't know if that's true, or if that's just what I think because the media has brainwashed me into thinking Arabs are all crazy gun-wielding flag-burning America-cursing killing machines and James Bond movies have taught me that you gotta watch out for them Russians. Regardless of the fact that I've pretty much only seen these languages associated with war and/or terrorism, I'd feel pretty badass if I could learn at least one of them.
"Hello," in
Russian - привет
(tfel ot thgir morf s'ti esuaceb) مرحبا - cibarA
Man, typing like that must be a bitch. I totally got off on a weird tangent there, forgive me.*

I wonder if European chicks dig American accents. And by European I mean British or Australian. And I assume "British" covers English, Scottish, and Irish. And I guess Australia covers New Zealand.

By the way, what continent is New Zealand on? Someone enlighten me.

This post is f*cking retarded. Gotta get back into the swing of things.


*new poll, inspired by this musing!