RIP USA

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it." -P. J. O'Rourke

Fuck politics. Fuck the Tea Party.

Sometimes I feel that people should be required to pass some sort of screening test before they can vote. Or run for office. I'm with Plato: Let's replace our politicians with philosopher-kings.

Education should be free.

We need to get Zack de la Rocha over to UCLA to get people pumped up. Imagine having Rage Against the Machine at Bruin Bash.

Sadly Happy

Is everyone bipolar to a degree or is it just me?

Too tired after work + going out to ever write anything anymore.

Listening to TI makes me feel gangster. But I'd never bump that shit with the windows down. Yadadamean.

CONFIDENCE
FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT

Bitch.

IAMNOWHERE

"We are all human."

Sometimes I read that like it's a beautiful thing. Other times, it depresses me.

Right now, I'm too tired to care.


Good rehearsal last night. Let's keep it up.

August 2

It's past midnight, but it's not technically August 3 until I sleep and wake up. That's a scientific fact.

W is a weird letter. Can you figure out why?

Go Away, August

Dvorak is too goddamn difficult.

I feel like my interest in the abstract makes me a bad conversationalist. I hate when I'm just talking and it feels like I'm going through the motions. Saying the same crap over and over again.

Here are a few things I'd really like to understand better:
Music. How it affects people differently. The effects of certain harmonies, chord progressions, etc.
Cars. How they work. What makes a car run smoothly, powerfully, etc. How to fix and modify a car. I don't give a shit about rims and spoilers, more the mechanics.
Sports. I honestly don't care much about sports, but I know a lot of people like to talk about it.
Martial arts. The rise of MMA. Guns and how they work. It would probably be good to learn some form of self-defense too.
Politics. Why some forms of government are better than others. Why some movements are successful while many others fail. What it takes to make legitimate change.
The Middle East. Islam. The Arabic language. Farsi.
Money. Investing. What it takes to be successful.

I hate when I read a book for the sake of "bettering" myself, but by the time I finish I feel I got nothing out of it. I honestly feel that to get the most out of a book, you have to read it at least twice.

It's not hard work. It's just working hard.

UGH

"A pair of oxen were drawing a heavily loaded wagon along the highway, and as they tugged and strained at the yoke the axletrees creaked and groaned terribly. This was too much for the oxen, who turned round indignantly and said, "Hey, you there! Why do you make such a noise when we do all the work?"

They complain most who suffer least

I am totally an axletree. Sigh.

And... Scene.

Posting every day throughout August.

Expect a lot of pretentious self-serving brain diarrhea.


Muse is the shit and Tom Morello is a fucking boss. That is all.

Hallow shells of human beings

"Woe to you, Parking Enforcement Officers! You travel over land and sea to write a single parking ticket. You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?"
-Matthew 23:40

That's right. Listen to Jesus.

Seriously, who gives a U-Haul truck a parking ticket when people are trying to move out? Find me a U-Haul parked legally and I'll find you a parking enforcement officer with a soul.

Has anyone else noticed that 99.8%* of parking enforcement officers are fat, ugly, scowling, social rejects? They don't actually start out that way. They start out as normal, average looking people.


"I'm unemployed and the only things I'm good at are driving white Priuses and being a douchebag. I guess there's only one future for me..."



First day on the job!









A week later.




I wanna find the Parking Enforcement headquarters where they park all their little white Priuses and do this:

Fist pump included.





*The other 0.2% of them have Dorian Gray situations and end up killing themselves. Don't worry. I didn't spare anyone.

Dumb Journalists, Lazy Scientists

I'm getting sick of articles like these:

Can Exercise Make Kids Smarter? (Sept 2010)

Your Brain on Exercise (July 2010)

Vigorous Exercise Linked With Better Grades (June 2010)

What Sort of Exercise Can Make You Smarter? (Sept 2009)

Exercise on the Brain (Nov 2007)


It's not so much that journalists are using completely recycled material that bothers me. Often I think the messages behind these repackaged articles are good ones, and tend to inspire people to better themselves. The thing that pisses me off is the constant claim that these findings come from "a number of new studies." While I don't doubt that scientists are conducting these experiments, they are certainly beginning to seem redundant.

Hey scientists, stop telling people why exercise is good for us or why test-taking improves learning or why it's important to get enough sleep! These feel-good studies are useless. Parents teach their kids this sh*t all the time. Kids don't need your stupid research to back their mom's claim that vegetables are good for them. Isn't it about time you cured cancer anyway? Where are the Darwins or Einsteins or Watson and Cricks of our time?

How to be Funny

*dedicated to Kevin*
I hope your expectations are low!


Being funny is hardly an art. Anyone can be funny. You don't have to be particularly clever. Most of the time, there's a fine line between being funny and being obnoxious. And how difficult is it to be obnoxious? It's practically second nature for most people. If you have no trouble being an ass, you're 90% there.

That being said, here are some things that I've found generally work:



quoting funny movies

(if you don't know what movie I'm referencing, we can't be friends.)


making puns

Caution: puns can be dangerous. Side-effects may include pity-laughs, loss of friends, or death.


farting



sarcasm



making fun of bros





laughing at everything

(this situation is also funny because the guy craving hummus is white.)


impressions



saying something really awkward with a straight face

*(see side-effects for puns)


racist jokes


And finally...
wit!
While all these other examples prove how easy it is to be funny without being clever, wit still gets the most respect. If you don't know how to be witty, ask Kelly. Because I don't know how to be. Try talking about grapes being the fruit of hope or something.
:)



On another note...

I wish Google Maps included traffic at Wooden.
I also think they should play Crazy Frog music at the gym:

Think of how cracked out everyone would be. You can't listen to Crazy Frog and NOT get a good workout. Just lying here on the futon and typing is making my heart race thanks to Crazy Frog. Or maybe it was the 7 piece of bacon I ate for breakfast...

WHY AM I WASTING SO MUCH TIME

I apologize for being sensitive

So I was standing in line at Chipotle. Because it was Friday. My doctor told me to go on every day with six letters.
Anyway, my homeboy Juan is going through the motions, making everyone's burrito to perfection, maybe a little small talk here and there, when this smug-looking douchebag with a goofy grin steps up to be helped.
"What would you like on your burrito, sir?"
Hmmm.....SURPRISE ME!
"..."

Surprise.
me.

The juxtaposition of those two words makes me cringe. How bout I take a shit in your burrito, would that be surprising enough for you? I hated people like that, acting all pseudo-charming, even when I was just working at BruinCafe and I had to ask them to decide between fruit and chips. "Surprise me!" Shut the fuck up and just PICK SOMETHING, I'm not hear to entertain you or read your mind, I'm here for the shitty paycheck and free food!
This.
is.
problematic.



So I'm in history lecture and this dude decides to raise his hand. Strike one.
He begins to speak. "I just wanted to make a comment on something..." Strike two.
He continues: "So I was watching CSPAN the other day, and..." Strike three. I officially hate you.


Does anyone else think it's odd when people end emails with "cheers"?

Car alarms can be entertaining when they're far away and you know it's probably driving at least 200 people in the nearby apartments insane.


Using my dictionary as a frisbee is my favorite form of word play. Haha. See what I did there?

I like pillow talk. I tell it everything.

I wouldn't wanna f*ck with the chicken they had to kill to make my chicken fingers.

If I take care of chickens, does that make me a chicken tender?

I think it's great we're cutting the wings off of buffalo. Imagine if those things could fly. Imagine getting buffalo shit all over your windshield.

I wanna see a dog with a tongue piercing.
That's not word play. I just do.


Ahh... I love falling asleep to the low humming sound of a fan on a warm night. Goodnight.